Saturday, December 22, 2007

Weighed Down

Well my weigh in didn't go so well today. I am down .2 of a pound. This stinks. I had a long talk w/ my counselor and another counselor. They still think I am possibly not getting enough calories. I hate hearing this b/c it defies logic. They also think that I have put a lot of stress on myself mentally. At first I argued w/ this but after talking w/ them I believe they are right. My diet and calories are controlling me. I wish I would have seen it sooner. This has happened my whole life. I get really OCD about something and before I know it I am not in control anymore. Anyway, this may sound silly but it is just how my mind works and always has. Here is my latest example: Jenny Craig is designed w/ a menu of food for you to eat each week. The calories are not listed on the menu. They are pre-counted out for you to equal what your daily intake is supposed to be. I, however, feel I have to write down each calorie before I eat it. So even though I have a menu I keep a little notebook w/ a page for each day and log everything down. At the top of each page is the date and what I weighed at 8:50 am that morning. I write down everything I eat, how many calories it has, and at what time I ate it. At the end of each day I add the total calories up and circle it. Everyday I eat between 1450 and 1500 calories. There are a hundred other examples of how my food is controlling me. They include: what time I eat, how I prepare my meals, in what order I eat my food, who is w/ me when I eat, etc. I could go on. I've been like this before and I am really shocked that I didn't notice these behaviors slipping back in. My counselor thinks this is all putting stress on me w/o me realizing it. So my assignment this week is to not write anything down!! That is so hard for me but I think I can do it. Also, tonight I can have a piece of pizza at Lisa's birthday party in exchange for my dinner. Yay! The counselors are hoping that if I lighten up a little I will lose more easily. I don't know if that will work but I'll try anything at this point. I also need to have about 100 extra calories on days that I run. This all defies logic... but as you can see... I am not always logical! Peace out!

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